We’ve all experienced the break-up blues: when the uncomfortable sensation in the gut strikes, the foolish name calling begins and the various rebounds and trips to the strip joint -- to “make it all better” -- commence.

But how long do we really feel better for, especially when we exhaust a great deal of our post-breakup energy trying to numb the pain. It still sucks, we know.

At some point you gotta stop (in the name of future love) and willingly submit to the House of Pain. Once uncomfortably inside, it's imperative you learn to navigate through this darkness before moving on to the next relationship.

Otherwise, you inevitably end up relationship-hopping, and dragging your bags along with you. These bags get piled up on her bags, which are piled up upon her parents bags, which are piled upon...you get the point: One big clusterfuck if you don't take the necessary time to heal.



Even Real Men Cry

It’s been said that real men don’t eat quiche. It’s also been said that real men don’t cry. But, dude, I’m a real man and I’ve eaten quiche. I kind of like it. As for crying, let’s take an example from Mr. David Beckham, who wept at the birth of his first child. Awww. Yup, that Posh Spice is a lucky woman.

I can’t stress this enough: there is nothing wrong with feeling something, even though, as men, we’re not often encouraged to do that kind of thing. "Stop that! That's feeling! No fair!"

But that’s exactly what you need to do if you’re ever going to get over your ex and move on to a better relationship. The more years you repress your emotions, the greater the midlife crisis you’re bound to have. Or the more apt you are to lose all your marbles and Go Postal. And doesn’t the postal service have a tough enough job already?

I’m not saying we have to break down “girly men” style. Rather, we have to get in touch with that place inside that cries out for understanding. You know, it’s the same place that rock stars make a killing off of: the inspiration for gold records?

The danger of not releasing the junk, besides Going Postal, is that pain, if not dealt with, has a nasty habit of transforming itself into its distant cousin: A-N-G-E-R. And women are very savvy at sensing anger, and they do their best to stay away from it. Except the screwed up ones. Which, unfortunately, there are plenty of. But, hey, it’s your choice:

Be one of the countless f-up souls that pollutes, and gets lost, in the dating pool -- “Marco!” -- or the rare, dedicated swimmer who takes his time to find his stroke. Which, while in training, may be rosy for a few months, true.

Start Making Sense

The major mistake we make After the Fall is wasting our energy ragging on the other half: How should they have been different? How they should change for us? Why they were such assholes? Blah, blah, blah. Enough!



Sure, it’s a natural reaction from a wounded ego. But once you recognize it going off, tell it to take a T.O., baby, step back and begin to ask yourself some pertinent questions:

1) Why was that person in my life? To teach me what about myself?

We tend to be mirrors for each other. Therefore, when we’re repulsed by a negative trait in another, chances are, that same trait is something we need to work on in ourselves. Or look it like this: She pushed a button in you that needs working on. Forget her. It's about you. Take that responsibility.

Granted, one of the hardest things to do, in terms of personal growth, is admit our own faults. But it's essential if we plan to attract the good shit into our lives.

2) Were my expectations going into the relationship unrealistic?

Unfortunately, we often enter relationships with the pressure that “this has to be the one.” Once we’ve done that, we have set ourselves up to fail, and fall. (Man over board!)

It would be better if we began relationships with the knowledge that, like everything in life, it will one day wither and die. Whether it’s in a week, or 50 years, that’s not up to us to decide necessarily. Our part, in the equation, is to learn, and discipline ourselves, to appreciate the moment-to-moment interactions with our significant other and allow the mystery to unfold. Say what you like, but it is a mystery.

And let’s not get into this crap about “wasted time.” No matter how wrong it is/was, nothing is ever a waste, and there’s always something to salvage from the wreckage: you can always turn a negative into a positive if you dig deep enough.

You should never be saying to yourself: “I spent so many years in this relationship and what did I get for it?” You may not have got what you expected (once again, change your expectations going into it), but regardless of how spurned you feel, you gained valuable experience in the lessons of love. And your next relationship will be that much richer, because you took the time to learn from your mistakes, and you accentuated -- and learned to feel good -- about the things you did well.



3) Doctor, how is my pain related to my mother?

I’m glad you asked. Sigmund Freud was right when he hypothesized that our ability to have healthy relationships directly correlates to our relationship with our parents. For men, the key is with the mother. For women, the father. Here’s the short advice: Work out what you need to with your folks, within yourself. They don’t even need to be included. Your task is to love them for who they are, without anger or regret (no matter what they did to you).

You need to walk a mile, or a few hundred miles, in their shoes and come to an understanding of how they became who they are. Then you can forgive, accept and make peace with them. If you accomplish this, you'll be making peace with yourself, and well on your way to having happy, successful relationship.

Help! I Want it Out!

Okay, so you don’t play in a band. So what’s next? How to let it all hang out? One way is to start journaling. It’s the same thing you would do if you were on a shrink’s couch, only a helluva lot cheaper. All a therapist does is ask questions that provoke you to start getting at your problem.

My suggestion is to go to a bookstore and find a couple of books on the subject of love/pain and use them to get your pen/mind/soul moving. You'll be surprised at how the pieces begin to fall into place once you actually take the time to dump them out of the box.

Final note: No one, repeat: NO ONE, can ever put your puzzle together for you. That's the key to this puzzle.