Dear Brett:

Wow, what can we say? Other than: Welcome back, man! You’ve sure stepped in it. From farm boy to loony asylum in a few short months. Talk about your change of fortunes! You think those weeds gave you problems…

Fact is, at 68 years old, playing football for the Jets this season could be a little taxing on you. Not only are you on a perennially flailing team, but you’re standing across the locker room from the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, and you're in the city that never sleeps. If you're not exactly sure what that means, because, on the farm, it’s lights out at 10 pm, it means New Yawkers have a lot of time on their hands to take down the ones they love. Or, used to love. At least, on the day they signed you. After that, it’s: honeymoon’s over, Soylent "No Longer Packer" Green time, what have you done for us lately?

What you’ve done for them lately is to cause the shipping out of the -- once-believed -- Golden Boy Chad Pennington, and reaffirmed Kellen Clemens' spot on the bench. (BTW, we’re still not quite sure who he is.)

You see, it’s all about You now, Brett, no one else. Oh, sure, ten other guys get the privilege of lining up with you on offense. And another eleven get to fill the time between your snaps on defense. But trust us, they’re all an illusion, they don’t really exist.

That’s because, at 68, you have suddenly been anointed the Chosen One, the savior of the franchise. "From him springeth all of life eternal, and maybe a Lombardi trophy or two." Seriously, the team, and city, has been waiting for you since, well…

Savior#1 Joe Namath departed for sunnier skies, and more fumbles in L.A.

That’s right, the rabid, and athletically-challenged, NYC media is already calling you the greatest name to take up a position in the city since Broadway Joe defined NYC Cool. Forget Ewing, Piazza, A-Rod, Giuliani...

That second to last name is worth repeating: A-Rod. He’s the one who makes more headlines bedding strippers and superstars than coming through in the clutch: October, and, this year: July/August. If you asked him how he sleeps every night, he would probably tell you, just fine, he reads the Kabbalah and accepts the great flow of the universe, and Madonna.

And since you won’t have the luxury of the Kabbalah, or Madonna, we have a few suggestions for making your life in the Big Apple a little easier.

1. Move to New Jersey

With the lack of respect that Jersians get, you should feel right at home after Week Three when Your team is 1-2 and you’re competing with Brady Croyle for the bottom of the QB ratings.

2. Repair your relationship with the Packer’s brass

So when you retire, again, at the end of the season, someone will still love you -- and give you a fancy retirement ceremony to kick off 2009. At which time you’ll say you’re getting the itch, again. At which time they’ll direct you to your nearest YMCA flag football league.

3. Keep your subscription to Guns & Ammo Magazine

Because, with 10 million New Yawkers running around crazy, and calling for your head, you’re going to need a little extra protection. And we just don’t think the football pads and helmet, offensive line, and Axe deodorant will last that long.

Your Biggest Fans,
The Guy Report

P.S. If Soylent Green really is “people,” we wonder what yours would fetch on Broadway. We're thinking a possible musical? The Swan Song? As long as it isn't the Nutcracker. That would definitely be painful to watch, and, most certainly, put an end to the streak.



"Break a leg, old boy."