If you haven’t figured it out by now, sex is the drug that makes the world go round. And, if you happen to be one of the many babes who help sell us that world -- through Acting, Stripping, Modeling, Whatever -- then, well, bonus for you. The rest of us, of course, crave you 24/7. But you know that. And for the purpose of this article, we probably shouldn’t let onto our little weakness, but you are our f*cking Kryptonite.

Forget you heard that, because we’re going to pretend you’re just another girl next door: we may like you when you bring us milk and cookies, but other than that, we want nothing to do with you, and you’d be lucky to have us.

This is the attitude (read: pretense) we have to take if we have any shot at scoring with you.

The truth is, most of us start out believing we have no shot in hell with you, a certified hottie. But we're here to tell you, this is all in your mind, brother. You DO have a chance. So follow along with our trusty little hunting guide and, who knows, you may just score more than milk and cookies one of these days.

1. Remember, Miss AMSW spends a lifetime with guys buzzing around her hive. If she senses you’re just another horndog out to hump her leg, it’s over for you before you begin.

Advice in that case: Find a fire hydrant.

2. As mentioned above, if you begin the hunt with the belief that you don’t deserve the prime cut, it’s over for you before you begin.

Advice in that case: Be happy with the milk and cookie girl.

3. Before you set out on your hunting expedition, you first need to do the footwork. In this case, the footwork begins with developing self-appreciation for yourself, i.e., If you don’t feel good about yourself, how would you ever expect anybody else to?

4. Establish what you have to offer her, other than the usual horndog approach. We’ll refer to this as the “alternative sell.” And, it’s not just: “Hey, baby, you’re hot, I could do you.” That would be the Loser approach.

5. Like any good salesman, your first objective is to identify what you have to offer the “buyer.” What it is that will pique her curiosity. It’s not: “Hey, baby, you’re hot, can I hump your leg?”

The Alternative Sell:

1. Make Me Laugh

You’ve read the internet profiles and the Playboy turn-offs and turn-ons and you know “a guy with a sense of humor” is always near the top of the wish list. Of course, if you look like Hunchback of Notre Dame, it probably doesn’t matter if you have the humor quotient of Dave Chappelle.

But we’re assuming you’re not that horrific looking, and you don’t spend your days ringing the town bell.

Humor is always a great opener. And, we’re not talking mean, sarcastic humor, like they teach you on those f-ing idiotic internet pickup sites. We’re talking self-deprecating humor or clever wit.

Your opening begins with a smile, gets followed up with a clever remark and you wait to see if she takes the bait. If not, you pretty much fall back on option two: Masturbation. Or mean and vindictive humor to put her in her place properly ;)

2. If She Only Had a Brain

Listen, if Dorothy had a brain, she wouldn’t have needed all those other brainless guys to help her find her way back to Kansas. On the other hand, if Stripper A had a brain, she probably wouldn’t be dancing around a pole in Kansas. She might have actually graduated from college and gotten a real job -- like making movies about bimbos trying to find their way back to Kansas.

You need to show your target you have a brain, and you’re not afraid to use it. And that, one day, your brain might be able to help her find her way the hell out of Kansas, i.e., You make lots of money because you're smart and you’ll need a hot trophy wife to look good behind the white picket fence (before it blows away in a cyclone).

How do you do this? How the hell do we know? We're not that smart. You, are either that smart, or you’re not. If you are, then let your IQ speak for itself, don’t flaunt it. If you’re not that smart, read on…

3. It IS Who You Know

Okay, Randy is going to use himself as an example on this one. You see, he is about to stop writing about himself in the third person and...

I know lots of people. Mom, dad, brother, sister, friends, and lots of editors of magazines. Lots of editors of girly magazines who could stick babes I recommend on the pages of their magazines (hopefully in 3D!). So, if I like a girl, I may give them an assist on their career, and that’s all. I don’t ask for anything in return.

Hopefully, they see how gregarious you are with your connections, and they stop thinking of their self-absorbed-model-selves long enough to think about you, and what you might like as a reward. (Hmm. I can think of a couple of initials).

4. Shoulder to Cry On

This one is tricky to finesse because you risk becoming just the shoulder and nothing else, enabling her to dump all her crap on you like you’re the gay best friend and all you are going to do is listen to her bitch and moan all day, then watch Queer Eye on DVD at night. It’s okay to begin like this but, at some point, early on, you’re going to have to throw out a few feelers in the direction of romance. These days, this is very easy, and can be accomplished with a greeting card, an email, or a full-on stalking operation.

5. You Are the Mystery Man (turn the tables on her!)

You have something mysterious that gives you an air of confidence and, if you wear it well, she will eventually want to know what it is.

Examples abound:

A) You are the Frog Prince Sheik of a small Arab country.
B) You lettered in three sports in college, including Panty Raiding.
C) You are hung like a horse.

Final Crib Notes:

1. DO NOT be a brown-noser and throw her a bunch of compliments. She is so used to this ass-kissing. And the moment you tell her how hot she is, is the moment where you completely get wiped off the EGM: eligible guy map.

Be nice, but DO NOT be just another dude who gives her yet another “approval fix.” You will never fill the shoes of her dearly dysfunctional dad who never gave her shit. BTW, that’s why she’s in the line of work she is anyway: Seeking world wide approval from men far and wide.

2. If you find out she has a Significant Other, DO NOT waste your time, the odds at you failing have just increased tenfold. There are plenty of other mermaids in the sea.

3. Be YOURSELF. But spend the time fleshing out the sides of you which feasibly could attract an extremely gorgeous babe into your life. If you come to the conclusion that you’ve got no game: DO NOT waste your time. Go back to your normal girlfriend and re-enlist in your internet porn program.

SIDEBAR: Scam Kit

It would be wise to carry the following items along with you to help aide in your hunt.

1. Smokes: How do you think she keeps so thin? Be ready with a smoke and lighter wherever she roams.

2. Barf bag: This is the other way she keep thin. And you should let her know you understand her “problem,” and you’re willing to help her overcome it. Yes, you’ll sit with her while she’s barfing out the three bites of yogurt she had for breakfast.

3. Rice Cakes: After she barfs, she’s going to need something to put in that anorexic frame, to keep her from blowing away in a four mile-an-hour breeze (let alone a cyclone).

4. Drugs: In your case, well, that’s your call. But your best bet might be a) X, or b) a roofie. But if it’s “B” make sure you have a video camera on hand so you can prove to your friends you banged a supermodel/stripper/actress/whatever.

And don't forget to send us a copy of the video!

[editor Randy's note: My fingers are really swollen after this one. Well, OK, not just from typing, but, my point is...]

Here's a companion piece to the above.