It’s that time again. Here comes another friggin’ new year. For most of us, the end of the year comes with a sigh of relief. Like, "oh, shit, I’m so glad that fucking year is over, 2009 couldn’t be any worse." Or, gasp, could it?

Say it won't be so, Obama! Whatever, it's time to make some serious resolutions.

1. Stop Spending

That's right, kids. It means cutting back on that whole "shove dollar bills in meaningless cracks" habit. While you're at it, you may want to tell that next credit card to take a friggin' hike, along with the swimming pool in your Hummer.

2. Start Adapting

Whatever field you're currently in, it's going to be changing at an alarming rate. Stop waiting around for the axe to fall, start figuring out how to be ahead of the curve now. Little hint: If you haven't noticed a little thing called the Internet, swallowing every possibly thing in its path, then you may want to take notice and figure out how to use it to your future advantage. Either that, or you become Soylent Green. Think we're kidding?

3. Find Balance

Everything is spinning so damn fast. That thing called the Internet, and technology in general, was once upon a time supposed to allow for more leisure time. Not happening. Get the hell out of the cyclone long enough to give yourself time to relax, exercise, and fuck. It's only going to make your work-life that much richer when you get back to it. i.e., Stop trying to constantly win the race, and take time to smell the roses, or marijuana.

4. Focus on Mission

Stop making the mission all about the tits and ass. There's a time for everything. Now is the time for you to get your life together -- without the constant distraction you add to it by obfuckingsessing about the opposite sex 24/7. Don't worry, as you let it go, "they'll" slowly be pulled into your gravitational field.

5. Cut Something Loose (see above)

You've been hanging onto something for too long. It's bringing you down. You can no longer hide it from yourself. Maybe it's the crack, maybe it's the fourth meals, maybe it's your girlfriend. Trust us, it's something. And you need to let go of it. It may be painful, at first, but it's gonna get better, it will. Stick with it. Have faith. And patience. Remember that concept?

6. Hobby Time

Stop putting it off! Sign up for whatever it is you've been promising yourself for the last five new years. Trust us, it's going to take time to develop this new hobby, but your life will be enriched beyond just sitting around all day trying to come up with one more mundane Twitter tweet.

7. Educate Thyself

There's too many ignorant people walking around that have no idea of what is going on in life beyond the vast scope of their cubicle. At least we voted for Smart over Stupid in 2008, but it can't stop there, an educated populace is, well, an educated populace. Get on-board so we can get this next crucial step in our history correct. Need we say what awaits us if we don't?

8. Be Nice

There's too many self-involved assholes running around in the world. Would it be so hard to realize the world doesn't revolve around our individual selves? It revolves around Paris Hilton, Ryan Seacrest, and a bunch of other smug twats (but that's another article). Fact is, we all eat, sleep and shit like everyone else. And when our flames are extinguished, guess what? Same all around the horn. Be humble. Help one another. It'll all come back to you in the end.

Now go get fucked-up and forget about all these intense things for one night.

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