"Smears and Queers"

MCCAIN
I guess I'm not exactly clear on the first topic, Senator.

OBAMA
Why is that, Senator? We're talking about fighting fair. And, because of the hatchet jobs your party is so accustomed to enacting, my campaign has launched fightthesmears.com.

MCCAIN
You liberals. We also have launched a new website, Senator, it's called-

OBAMA
fightthequeers.com?

MCCAIN
Funny.

OBAMA
Let's talk about the gay folk, Senator.

MCCAIN
Are we done with the Mexicans already?

OBAMA
We, are the people. And we're never done with anyone, Senator. JFK once said-

MCCAIN
Funny you should bring up the "gay folk." Last time I checked, it was I who went on Ellen to congratulate her on her upcoming nuptials.

OBAMA
Even though you don't agree with them, Senator.

MCCAIN
Senator, last time I checked, neither do you. But that was ten minutes ago. Listen, I think every single American citizen should adhere to the words, and warnings, of the bible. Which, I believe, said something, like-

OBAMA
We are not the party of exclusiveness, Senator. We are the party of inclusiveness.

MCCAIN
I don't think it said that. Are you doubting the bible now?

OBAMA
I'm talking about inclusiveness, Senator. Something which I understand quite a bit about. Because I've got relatives that look like Bernie Mac, and I've got relatives that look like Margaret Thatcher.

MCCAIN
Must be one helluva barbecue, my friend.

OBAMA
I happen to make a great chili.

MCCAIN
And, if you had taken a look at my McCainSpace lately, you would see that my supporters are made up of many, many different persuasions and colors. We've got the Mexicans, the Orientals--

OBAMA
And white. You have white, Senator.

MCCAIN
Senator, are you suggesting there's something wrong with white voters?

OBAMA
You're putting words in my mouth again, Senator.

MCCAIN
It's better than some other things your people like to put in there.

OBAMA
What's that supposed to mean?

MCCAIN
That's military code, Senator, one you'd never get, because-

OBAMA
What do you think about gay folk in the military then?

MCCAIN
Are they in the military? I hadn't noticed. When I surveyed the dangerous streets of Iraq-

OBAMA
You mean the "dangerous" streets of the green zone, Senator.

MCCAIN
I did have to wear a flak jacket. Listen, I'm about as American as apple pie, buster. I went to the United States Naval Academy, as my grandfather and father did. Did yours?

OBAMA
Well, the last time I checked, they don't have a United States Naval Academy in Kenya.

MCCAIN
Well, maybe they should, Senator.

OBAMA
I voted against the war, Senator. And, in the face of war, we believe-

MCCAIN
In letting terrorists dictate our policies? In letting our children's lives be in danger?

OBAMA
In coming together because we believe in what this country can be.

MCCAIN
Remind me again what country your wife currently favors, Senator.

OBAMA
Michelle favors a United States of America in which we stand as Americans first, even though we may call ourselves Democrats and Republicans, gays and straights.

MCCAIN
And Ralph Nader.

OBAMA
You're skirting the issue, Senator.

MCCAIN
Which is?

OBAMA
Having a civilized debate about the direction our country is headed in while being all-inclusive.

MCCAIN
Except where Ralph Nader is concerned.

OBAMA
Exactly.

MCCAIN
Fine. Straight talk it is. Can I discuss my magical Indian feather now?