1. Don't forget the all-important pinky-in-the-mouth picture. Nothing like a pinky in the mouth to say, "boner" for us!

2. Find Ron Jeremy at a party and pose with him. This will ensure us that you are, indeed, a whore and we won't touch you with a ten-foot pole. Ron might.

3. The 58 incremental shots of you posing in your bathroom mirror needs to be increased to 60. This way, we'll really get a chance to see how you take up the milliseconds of your day. BTW, it looks so exciting to be you!

4. Make sure to leave "Tom" a message on his homepage letting him know that he's welcome to drop in on you if he's ever in Bum F*ck Egypt. BYOQ. Bring Your Own Quell.

5. Don't forget to mention you're a "model" at least five times on your page, and that you make over $250,000. This way, we'll definitely know you're the real thing.

6. Make sure to keep letting everyone know you're doing a "photo shoot" this week. Doesn't matter that it's with your kid brother. Models do photoshoots. You're a model, right?

7. You've got so many friend requests it hurts. It's OK! Keep it up! Get more! Who cares if they're paraplegic midgets?! Yet, it still doesn't make up for the fact that your dad was never there for you, except to give you a finger-bang for your sixth grade graduation.

8. You didn't forget the all-important bi-shot with your best friend on a drunken Saturday night? This convinces us you're the real deal and you'll do about anything with anyone, at least in pictures.

9. Act like you're really cool wherever you go, because, yup, girlfriend, you've got myspace friends! Make sure to wear the biggest over-size sunglasses you can! This way, everyone knows there's a "model," and total dipshit looking person, under there.

10. Block at least five guys a week from contacting you. This will ensure you that you have absolute control of your whoredom.

11. If you don't have a tramp stamp already, now's the time. Because there's nothing like a Chinese symbol to say: "Gawd, I'm a stupid, vapid, whor..."



Ron: I hope he doesn't ask me for a drink.