Boxers vs. Briefs

OBAMA
I've already gone on record with US Magazine that I won't dignify that humiliating question with an answer.

MCCAIN
Oh, come on, you old fuddy-duddy.

[Obama looks over at his opponent.]

OBAMA
I don't think it's what the American people want to hear, Senator McCain. Abraham Lincoln once said-

MCCAIN
The hell it ain't.

OBAMA
He didn't say that.

MCCAIN
I'm not saying he did.

OBAMA
"Change," Senator McCain, the American people are for change. And how can we talk about change when-

MCCAIN
I wear tighty-whiteys. There. How about that? I went first. Was it so hard? Am I humiliated? Was it torture? I think not. Senator? Let's talk straight, in 2008.

[McCain looks over at his opponent and winks.]

OBAMA
OK, let's talk straight. You voted for the war, Senator, and you've gone on record to say how it will last for another 100 years. How can you expect to hold the highest office in the land without even being straight on that?

[McCain reflects...]

MCCAIN
Senator, I like the way they hold the package in place. I think Clint would probably agree with me on that.

[Obama looks over at his opponent.]

OBAMA
All right. If you want to play like that. Sun Tzu once-

MCCAIN
Indeed, I do want to play like that. Make no mistake, Senator, I'm for the tighty-whitey party...I mean-

OBAMA
Gotcha! You're already injecting race into a race where race isn't an issue, Senator. The issue, as the Reverend Martin-

MCCAIN
Who's saying I'm a racist? You sayin' that? Because I haven't been a racist since my days at the Hanoi Hilton. Perhaps I need to remind you, Senator, that I fought for our-

OBAMA
Yes, yes. We know. You fought for our country, Senator. Your plane was shot down and you were taken prisoner. You were incarcerated for five-and-a-half years, of which you spent two in solitary confinement, because you refused to answer any questions, or sign anti-American propaganda, even though you were under severe duress and torture. Did I miss anything?

MCCAIN
Yes. You didn't identify whether I was wearing boxers or briefs back then, Senator.

OBAMA
[smiles.]
I'm going to guess you weren't wearing either, Senator. You were forced to go commando.

MCCAIN
Like Kramer on Seinfeld, I was.

OBAMA
You both came under a tremendous amount of fire. Perhaps it was better you weren't wearing either, Senator. You know, John F. Kennedy once said-

MCCAIN
Yes. The answer is yes. I've served my country, Senator. And I have shit my pants in the good old name of the USA. Now tell me what you've done lately? Other than beat-up a girl, tried to become more centrist, and pretended you can actually make a 10-foot jump shot.

OBAMA
I wear boxers, Senator.

MCCAIN
You see, Senator? That wasn't so hard, was it?

OBAMA
Did I mention I have a Grammy?