No matter how solid our primary relationship is, we all pine for the threesome, as if it was the last conquest standing between us and the Grim Reaper. This is okay. It’s natural: because a male beast wants to plant his seed in as many patches as possible. And what better way to do it than fire off two birds with one stone?

Of course, it should be noted, that navigating the waters of the tri-bangathon can be downright treacherous, as “feelings” (of the parties involved) and your manhood are at stake. TGR wants to ease you into the kinkiness gently, as if you were lost in the forest with no direction home. Read on for your bread crumbs.

THE CONSIDERATION

Note: The following is all based on the assumption you already have a girlfriend (or f*ck-buddy, which is the best case scenario). Because, if you don’t, the only way you’ll get involved with a 3-way equation is if you have lots of money, you’re part of a swinger’s club, or you’re a rock star. Which we think are kind of self-explanatory.

YOUR GIRL: BI, OR...



Hate to spoil the party, but if you girl is C) None of the above, you might as well turn back now and feel lucky if she at least lets you tag her from behind – on a whopping one holiday a year.

Okay, so you’re still reading, and your girl is either A or B. Word of warning: Do not bring up “equations” on the first few dates – not only is this a deal breaker, but you know how inept women are at math.

Before tackling this delicate subject you need to be secure with one another, i.e., she needs to know you’re solid (not a serial f*cker), and if she brings a third party into the equation, you’re not going to stray – or make fun of her for eternity because of the look she had on her face when she wore the strap-on.



BREAKING THE ICE

Once you and your lady are comfy with your sexuality, you can begin to feel her out on the topic. Of course, if you met her through myspace, you can easily see if she checked the “bi” box in her profile. Chances are, if your girl is under 30, she categorizes herself as such. But that doesn’t necessarily mean she is. It could mean she’s just going along with the trend. (See TGR article Girl-on-Girl Gone Wild.)

You should be aware of how she looks at other women. Does she catch you sneaking peeks? If so, how does she react? With jealousy? Does she have that teasing, “Oooh, I saw you look” smile on her face? This would be the opening, in which you say, something like, “You got me. But you gotta admit, she was kind of hot.” Or, best case scenario: you catch her checking out other chicks. This is when you can give her the teasing look!

Never, ever, do the stereotypical-dude thing and tell her how hot you think her best friend is. Chances are, she’s not going there, and the chick who becomes involved with your game will be completely new to both of you. This way, there’s not a lot at stake, feelings-wise, and the three of you are just in it for one thing: the Pleasure Principle.



Another avenue is: honesty. Every couple should spend some time discussing how they can fulfill each other’s needs. This is when you come right out and tell her your need to play the tri-bone, an instrument reserved for the very few and lucky.



LOOKING FOR MISS THREESOME

Once the kink is out of the bag, it’s time to find your prey. Obviously, the Internet is a good start. It’s anonymous enough that you won’t feel inhibited when you’re asking for what you want. But, this is key: let your woman do the soliciting. Other Venusians will feel much more comfortable being approached by one of their own, and not the “hunter.” Make your girl play that role. She should use a nice picture of the two of you, not looking like a Paris Hilton smut tape. (There’s plenty of time for that later!)

Also, you might try reeling in your catch when you’re out on the town. Waitresses are always a good place to start. You know, you and your girl are having a great time, it becomes infectious, the waitress gets involved with your banter, and you slowly work up a friendship. Maybe, by the end of the meal, you ask her if she wants to go hiking sometime. Muy importante: Keep it innocent! That’s the difference between the Internet and real life. On the net, you can get right to the heart of the matter. In life, tread lightly, let one step follow the other.

THE HAZARDS

The biggest hazard is “feelings, nothing more than feelings...” Usually, your girl's. This goes back to the secure thing. No matter how hot (and regardless of the mind blowing orgasm the third party is giving you), you need to always being conscious to place your girl at the top of the bone-chain. Because she's the one you’re going to have to look at in the morning.



The other hazard: your manhood. Batter up, baby. Are you ready to keep that bat swinging for two? If not, and you go all Mr. Flaccid, you need to do the Rafael Palmeiro thing and juice it up on Viagra. This way, there can be no failure, as failure is not an option when you’ve finally made it to the big leagues.

If you decide not to juice, once you get in the batter’s box, it’s all about taking your time. Don’t go swinging for the fences in the first inning. Start by using other equipment: hands, tongue, big toe. Don't laugh, it works great in a hot tub.

Lastly, what if she decides “once she’s had snatch, she’s not going back?” Well, then, you’re f*cked. This can be a severe blow to the ego. Enough to send you back to the minor leagues for life.

INITIATION RITES

On the magical night, make sure, once again, to work your way into it. Have a dinner party, which you mainly prepare, so the two ladies can get to know one another better. Because, really, you’re only there for your tool. No, really. It’s key that you can sacrifice your male “hunter dude” long enough to get the ball rolling. That’s the Zen – less is more – approach.

And, believe me, they’ll let you know when they’re ready for more. Think of yourself in the service of two goddesses. It’s all about them getting comfortable with each other. Because, everyone knows you’ll hop into bed with anything that walks on two legs (one if she has nice hooters). Women play by another rule: it's called discretion.



To get the right mood going, think ambiance: music is a good example. Not Whitesnake or AC-DC, but a woman’s fav: Sade, Portishead, Celine (NOT!). And then there’s the wine (before you get to the tequila), and anything else you think might make your night a little less inhibited (note: TGR is not advocating drugs, but if you must, may we suggest: X?)

When dinner is through, you might use the hot tub for the warm-up. If one’s not available, have your girl suggest a little dancing. It’ll get you up and co-mingling. From there, it’s not far to the 3-way lip-lock followed by the bedroom, or kitchen table if that’s your fancy.

MAP TO KINK

You need to tread delicately on this one. Maybe the toys would best be saved for the second “date.” Or maybe you introduce them slowly. Maybe you whip the dildo out and start using it on your girl and see how the other reacts. If she looks open, open the doors of kink: nipple-clamps, hot wax, strap-ons, Twister boards, oh my. It’s all about personal preferences. And it’s your duty to be the tour guide.

THE ADIOS

When the dust settles, you'll want to get rid of the third party as quickly, and politely, as possible. You do not want her there to confuse issues when you wake up sober in the morning, no matter how much you’d like to f**k her till the sun comes up. Your girl does not need to know this.

THE AFTERGLOW

Because, when it’s all said and done, you want your woman to know how grateful you are for what just went down, and how hot she was during it. Sure, the other chick was hot, but not as hot as your girl. And you will need to spend some time reassuring her that she is the main squeeze in your life, and always will be. At least, until you dump her for the next main squeeze. And, before that happens, if you play your cards right, maybe she’ll feel comfy enough to do it all over again.