1. Kobe

I don't care what the ESPN talking heads are saying about Jason Kidd being the team leader, because he's won a Gold, blah, blah, blah. FYI: Jason Kidd is getting up there. He'll do all right, but his lack of a shot is going to put him on the pine in favor of much better shooters: Chris Paul and Deron Williams. Though Kidd will look nice waving a towel, and eating dim sum.

Kobe Bryant just lost an NBA Championship. C'mon! How badly do you think he wants to win this thing? Bryant will set the pace for this Dream Team incarnation through his defensive intensity and killer will power. No one else in the world, that we've seen, comes close in these departments. KB24 is your leader. End of story.

And that thing about him having to sacrifice his offensive game...well, sure, they all have to do that. But you don't think Kobe is going to be chucking up shots? You don't know Kobe.

2. A Committed USA Basketball Program

After getting pummeled in 04' and 06', it was time Team USA got serious and realized their prima donna asses couldn't just walk into international play and dominant like "days of old." Yes, as they all reminded us a hundred times: The rest of the world has caught up. That they did. And, SHOCKER, it's not only happening in basketball, kids!

Let's hope KB & Co. sets a good example for all of us. Shows us how we need to get our own asses back to the grind and concentrate on the fundamentals that make the machine go. That, and stop waving our righteous "number one" finger in everyone's face, thinking that the finger, itself, is all powerful. It ain't. It's a finger. Get over it, fat-ass.



Hint: Edukation, mo' fos!

3. Melo

George Karl must watch Melo in international comp and say: "WTF? How come he don't do that for us." All right, harsh on Karl. He'd probably use "doesn't." In any case, Melo is going to be a scoring machine. In fact, Chinese fortune cookie say: All goes mellow if Melo is scoring.

OK, that was a lame fortune cookie. But show me a fortune cookie that isn't. Heck, is the Dalai Lama going to make an appearance at the pole vault in these games? That would be cool.

What's the Dalai have to do with basketball? Not a goddamn thing. Just wanted to bring us back to reality. And the reality is this: lots of crappy stuff going on in that Chinese country we're all going to be celebrating in a few weeks. I can't wait to see if some ballsy athlete steps forward in some kind of protest.

You can bet that won't be Kobe Bryant, or anyone else on Team USA. They've got way too much on their plate, bro. I mean, really: Who cares about world peace when our basketball reputation is on the line?

Prediction: Iran takes silver.

In the Most F-d Up Country competition.