Disclaimer

We have never seen Desperate Housewives, nor do we ever plan on doing so. In fact, if our guess is right, we are like 99% of HeteroNation™, who would rather watch an hour of Jim Gray interview highlights – while getting a proctology exam – than sit through Desperate Housewives. Let the truth be told: Men don't want to watch Desperate Housewives, they only want to bang them.

The Oath

"I am a product. I am only a Man Product™. When it comes to selling my Man Product™ (to MILF’S Inc.), I will always put the customer first. The customer is king, er, queen, and I know it is my sole job to make this customer happy."

I know, I know, it reduces us to such, um, tools. And it’s a harsh way to think about ourselves, downright shameful. But someone’s got do it, right? I mean, let’s be honest: It’s not marriage we’re looking for either, honey.



Left 24, Right 36…

As a salesperson, before any sell is attempted, you have to first figure out what your customer’s needs are. And, actually, in this case, they’re pretty simple. We're generalizing here, but you have to think that the DHW has been neglected by the hubby for years: Lights on, but no one home to listen to her pontificate about PTA meetings, tupperware parties and facials (not that kind!…yet).

Therefore, need No.1 would be: She wants someone there for her.

And that means, yup, you’re the one that has to listen to her pontificate. Hell, it doesn’t matter if you even understand what’s coming out of her mouth. You only have to pretend you do. You remember how to nod, don't you?

After you provide “good ear” there’s only one more thing she really wants from you. And she's going to let you know.

Power Point Presentation



Yup, she's in control. Think about it. She’s played the role of society’s good housewife for years, kept in her place by a male-dominated society, and a husband who brings home the bacon, and makes provisions on how that bacon will be shared. The last thing she wants is “the other” man telling her what to do.

Now, if she wants you to take the lead, say, dominate her in the bedroom, she’ll let you know, and you’ll oblige her with a few good spankings. But, remember, you must first fill your customer’s needs before your own (i.e., Semen Seepage™).

The Recipe

You don’t have to be some long-haired sissy boy who lets her walk all over you: “Yes, ma’am, no ma’am,” oh shut the f*ck up.

It’s the exact opposite: You must be a confident, virile stud who represents Male Wattage™. This is what’ll really get her off, when she believes she’ll be in charge of you, and your manly ways. And she will be. For as long as it takes to fire the kiddies into her Womb World™. “Swim kids, swim!”

Caution to the Wind

DO NOT knock her up! We repeat: THOU SHALT NOT knock her up.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Your illegitimate f*cking kid.

Ask directions beforehand, so you’re not having to take major responsibility afterward.

GPS Customer Locator

Okay, so, where the hell do I find this type of species, if I’m not a member of the PTA? First off, put yourself in her Uggs. Where would you hang out if you were a desperate and lonely housewife aching for a real man to liberate you all over again? Classy restaurant bars?

For example, if you live in L.A., you head to Beverly Hills, not Reseda. (Still love you, Reseda!) You should be shaved and spiffy, wearing something nice – not trying to look like the Cabana Boy from her tennis club.

And that’s another place to prowl: the local tennis club. If you happen to be an instructor…major bonus. Put an advertisement in the newspaper: Tennis Lessons for Desperate Housewives. Okay, you get the idea.



One of our favorite places to meet DHWs, happens to be at the supermarket. Chances are you’ll always get them alone: the kids at school, hubby at his two-martini lunch/strip club, while mommy is busy slaving the day away and feeling way under-appreciated . Cowboy, it’s your job to make her feel appreciated:

“Wow, look at all those groceries, I bet there’s some lucky family out there...”

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m a bit of a bachelor and I was wondering what kind of lettuce you think is the healthiest?”

All right, that last one sucked. But the idea is two-fold: make her feel good about something, and appeal to her maternal instinct. When you hit the maternal chord, and she feels needed, loved, blah, blah, blah, her vulnerability is exposed and you’re on your way to a conversation.



This conversation should end with you asking her if you can help her out with her groceries – before Bag Boy No.2 tries it. The guy’s got absolutely nothing going for him, but that won't stop him from trying to c*ck-block you.


"Who me?"

Wherever your play goes on, make sure you offer her something, anything: help out with groceries, commiseration with her grueling life…something that shows you’re willing to attend to her needs – and that is not just a Vagina Tweak™ (right off the bat).

The Best Sales Approach

Always begins with a compliment. With a DHW, flattery will tend to get you everywhere. Don’t be a bullshit artist, displaying some cheesy smile on your face like you’re a synchronized swimmer. Look for something small, something honest: “Those are some cool shoes you have.” Women love it when we notice their shoes first -- not the fake titties. Though we can't help but notice those too.



Closing the Deal

Once you feel like you’re reeling her in, close the deal. Don’t be a pussy and go home kicking yourself for not trying. What’s the worst that can happen? She turns you down and goes away flattered? You will still have done a good deed for the day.

Tell her that you find her very compelling, intriguing, whatever, and: Is there a way the two of you can talk sometime. This is when you should be ready to provide her with your business card -- preferably without your mother’s address on it. Hand it to her and say something like: “I totally understand where you’re coming from, and if it turns out you don’t call, I won’t take it personal. I just want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to…about anything…”

P.S. And, if anyone scores with this advice, please let us know. But skip the Penthouse Forum letter. A simple thank you will suffice.

The Contract

1. Everything is temporary.
2. You will let her be whoever she wants to be in bed.
3. Do not mention the words “husband” or “children” at any time during transaction, unless she does first.
4. Have fun. Life's too short.
5. If you liked this article, try Highway to a Threeway.